Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Pride and Shame

In case you haven't noticed yet, a large portion of my friends are gay. This may be a result of living in San Francisco, working in PR for 3 years and frequenting Cafe Flore...or it may just be that "the gays" are more fun. Regardless, I'm in deep.

In celebration of Pride weekend, I decided to head over to the Dykes on Bikes parade and support the ladies. I knew it would be a spirited event since I had been the year before with my mom and dad who happened to be in town for Pride weekend. (Note: My dad was so into it, he wanted us to march as a family behind the parade of topless women on Harleys, but my mom put the kabash on that one.)

While I was waiting to meet up with my friend, I was chatting on the phone in front of the Safeway at Church and Market. Suddenly, I felt something sharp on my HEAD. Within seconds, all sorts of possible explanations went through my mind. Was someone trying to get my attention with a sharp fork? Was I hallucinating that I felt something? Did a squirrel just drop from a tree above me?

Just as my heart stopped racing, 3 men wearing pastel-colored muscle shirts began cackling loudly. "What WAS that?" I asked them, still shaking. "Damn, girl! A huge bird just landed on your HEAD!" "Oh my God!" I exclaimed, walking towards them, fully expecting the supportive responses I've grown accustomed to. You know, something along the lines of "You OK, baby girl?" Instead, they continued to laugh and then one of them yelled to the gathering crowd, "That's what happens when your hair looks like a NEST!"

I was speechless. I was mortified. I was....betrayed by gay men? How could this be? OK, fine, it was windy and my hair may have been a bit, um, messy, but don't they know that I'm one of them? Well, not really, but kind of. I could think of nothing else but the tearful, dramatic speech that Grace gave to the gay men of New York City after she was mistakenly accused of being a homophobe due to bad editing of a comment she made on Jack's new talk show.

Grace's speech from Will and and Grace, Season 3:

"Shame on you! Bad queens! Bad queens! Do you even know who you're booing? I have been devoted to you for decades. When I was a little girl, I showed you mine when you showed me yours. Even though you didn't care... When I was in high school, I showed you mine when you showed me yours, even though you didn't care. And when I was in my twenties, I slept with you, even though you still didn't care! (crying) And now, you sneer at me at the Chelsea Market, and you-- you throw macaroni salad at me on Christopher Street? (SOBBING) And it's so not fair, because I love you people! I have always loved you in a very unhealthy way. For my own personal development, now love me back, damn it!!!!"

Since I was so stunned by the betrayal, I didn't pull it together in time to make my own speech. But better late than never, as they say, so here's mine:

"Shame on you! Bad queens! Bad queens! Do you even know whose hair you're calling a nest? I have been devoted to you since I moved to San Francisco in 1999 and got that job at the PR firm...where my friend Justyn painstakingly educated me on all things queer. I've served beers to drunk, naked men in dog collars during the Folsom Street Fair when one of my friends needed an extra set of hands at The Power House. I've shaken it to technoMadonna at gay dance clubs in Istanbul and Bangkok (where, mind you, I was the only woman on all 5 floors for the entire night). I was a bridesmaid at a same sex wedding at City Hall where I waited in the longest line of all time in HEELS. I've even held a joint birthday party at the End Up on fag Friday. Hell, I once gave a dyke a cup of corn starch from my pantry so she could experiment with hard packing...or was it soft? For the love of God, I was the one straight person in the LGBTQ group in grad school and so WHAT if I only joined so I could meet fun, gay men to study with? I love you people and if you ever betray me again, I swear I'll stop performing those Best in Show monolouges that never fail to cheer you up when you need it most.

8 comments:

Kathleen said...

A bird crapped on my face last week. To make matters worse it was a seagull at the beach that has a diet of fish and more fish. I smelled like rotten dead fish. I gagged all the way back to my hotel shower. Horrifying!!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG, one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life. You must write a book. Now. NOW!

Those queens were probably from the east bay. Next time, ask them how their syphyllis is working out for them.

-Justyn

Anonymous said...

Girl I have never seen you so mad. I hate the gays on pride too..and I'm one of them!

Anonymous said...

I love the visual of your family marching behind the Dykes on Bikes. Could you please make that happen one day?

- Gill

Anonymous said...

OMG, so funny! Those BITCHES! I would have snapped their leather or something....how rude! Love my Miss Laurs!

Eric said...

I have told you time and time and time again to cut that nasty ass mound on the top of your head. I think as recently as 3-4 weeks ago? Perhaps you will now heed my advice? Schedule an appt ASAP to avoid further seperation from your gays.

They are nasty queens. Look at what they were wearing, pastel muscle tees. So tacky, so gay, so wrong! Consider the source.

Anonymous said...

lj, I want to take this time to thank myself for being cool enough to have a friend like you

love the rant

-marisa

Anonymous said...

lj, I want to take this time to thank myself for being cool enough to have a friend like you

love the rant

-marisa